How To Be An Elite Paintball Wanker

Everyone else ducks for cover. Jawa the Idiot stays in the open.

People often ask me: "JAWA, what are you doing half naked on my front lawn?" Other people ask "JAWA, how can I become an elite paintball dude that inspires fear and envy in all that cross my path?" I wrote a twenty page feature article explaining my recurring presence on people’s front lawns, but most higher-ups nixed it. So, I’ll have to focus on the second question of becoming an elite paintball god. fortunately, it’s a whole lot more interesting).

Anyone who has played paintball knows them: the cocky, disrespecting, loud-mouthed, and incredibly frustrating nitwits that play the game with insults, profanity, and incessant bragging about their "skills" (whatever that means). Want to lean how to be one of those guys? Who wouldn’t?! This article explains how to become one of these elite paintball wankers in 8 easy steps. Follow them and in no time you’ll have entire fields clearing out just at the sight of you.

Step 1: The Name

Every wanker needs a proper name. One that signifies exactly who you are and what you’re about. There are two types of names you can choose from: the Tech name and the intimidating name.

Tech names should always be written in intelligible gibberish that looks like some sort of secret code used among "3lit3 t3ch d00ds" (that’s "elite tech dudes). Acceptable names include 3133xer, S1333t, h0030r, and basically any combination of the numbers 0, 4, 3, and 1, along with a few vowels and random consonants thrown in to make it look legit. The name doesn’t need to necessarily mean anything. It should just look to other players like it could be deciphered if they only had some bizarre technological Rosetta Stone. The idea is to catch players unawares who are thinking about the name on your jersey trying to figure out what it means. You can then promptly fill them with your paint of choice. All tech names must be followed by the corresponding owners group number.

Intimidating names conjure images so intimidating that other players will be shaking so hard they won’t be able to keep their marker from jerking all over the place. Names like "Ass Kicker", "Paint God" and "Choctaw" are all good examples. The truly elite of the elite will combine intimidating and tech names to stun their opponents with fits of laugh...err... fear.

Step 2: Talk the language

True elite wankers can be recognized not only by their name, but the language they use during the game. To let yourself be known as a force to be reckoned with, use lots of acronyms, abbreviations, and variations of the "paintball language". Also punctuate your speech with random technical terms, as well as emoticons that run counter to context that has been established. The only time you should use clear English is when being profane. Below is a transcript of a "conversation" I had with one elite paintball wanker:

Killer: Heh JAWA, you’re wiping paint!

JAWA!: What?

Killer: F*ck you!

Jawa: Whatever. Shut up and play.

Killer (repeated twelve times): You suck JAWA! I got skills you are out!!

JAWA!: Yeah, whatever.

Killer: My rate of fire is 19.2 balls per second with my ext KAPP trigger, and I know Danny Love so you are HIT!!!

Jawa: But I have no paint on me and you’re covered with it.

Killer: F*ck you!! If my gigometer wasn’t leaking, then my team and the rest of my friends from Team Image had been here, you’d be dead.

As you can see, I was thoroughly intimidated, and if he had stuck around I’m sure I would have lost.

Step 3: Use the right equipment

One cannot be an elite paintball wanker with a regular gun. Most elite wankers play rarely. You must buy a gun that costs the same amount as a small trailer. Make sure you have every known accessory for it, and talk at length about the various benefits they produce. (See above, talking the talk). Make sure it has a fishbone/anodized/milled appearance. Most often, you won’t be able to play, as you will be worrying over some infantile percieved problem, thus you will spend most of your time in the staging area. This works out well as nobody can question your abilities. If the above doesn’t appeal to you, then you must mortgage your child’s college education and buy the latest pnumonic electro paint slinger and insist on hitting your opponent multiple times. After all, if people don’t like it, they should go out and get a gun just like it.. Until they do, they have absolutely no right to complain. Also, just because you have a rate of fire that is 11 balls per second and your opponent has a pump, and he hits you, by no means does this mean that you can’t complain about his being a lucky bastard. Also feel free to blame everyone and everything every time you die. This leads to the next step:

Step 4: Blame, blame, blame

As an elite paintball wanker, you are incapable of making mistakes. Your skilz are beyond such mortal shortcomings. Therefore, each and every time you die it must be because of some uncontrollable outside force. Feel free to blame your gun, your teammates, cheaters, luck, or anything else that people can’t disprove caused your demise. The main objective is to prevent the erosion of people’s faith in your divine skills. My favorite excuse...er... reason is that I was I was fixing my gun. Feel free to use the "I was fixing my gun" excuse even in the middle of a heated firefight. Here’s another transcript of that game:

Jawa: Check it buddy!

Killer: Hey, quit shooting.

Jawa: Check it buddy!

Killer: You ASS. I was fixing my GUN!!

As you can see, my opinion of this person’s skills never faltered. Not for a second.

Step 5: Revel in your victories

Elite paintball wankers must always point out their victories. Otherwise, less observant players might miss them. A casual and polite "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I shot your ass! YOU SUCK!" is all it takes to remind people who the real wanker is here. Also remember that there’s a ref out there that is always cheating for the other team.

Step 6: Bitch, bitch, bitch

As an elite wanker, you are a treasure trove of unsubstantiated opinion, complaints, judgment, and proclamation. Upon joining a game, you should immediately make a mental list of all the things wrong with it. The game settings, bunkers, lighting, number of players, refs, weather, and even the way the game is being run are all points upon which other players breathlessly await your comments. Complain often, complain loudly. Score extra points by making contradictory or impossible to understand complaints. And remember, when people respond to you with "Shut the f*ck up!" it’s just slang for "Yeah, right on! Tell me more!"

Step 7: Criticize other players

Elite wankers should have certain phrases always ready to spout forth: "say Fu*king bunker camper!" "say Fu*king fort whore!" "say Fu*king newbie!" "say Fu*king Angel user!" "say Fu*king bunker camping newbie Angel whore!" It doesn’t matter if the other player has an PGP, sneaks up behind you, steals your wallet, and kills you with a stock weapon. Use these complaints often, even if it’s just to remind people not to do such things.

Step 8: Don’t be a team player

Team play games are especially attractive to elite wankers, since they offer them the opportunity to stand out in stark contrast their teammates’ infantile skills. There are a myriad of ways to be a wanker of a teammate. Here are just a few.

Scream "We need more defense you morons!!!" as you wander aimlessly around the field, being careful not to go anywhere near your team’s base. Stand perfectly still in narrow trails, especially if your teammates are trying to get through. Repeatedly shout "I need more paint! I need more paint!" When someone gives you some, immediately fire it all into a nearby tree, the ground, or the teammate that gave it to you. Then demand more. Send out false and misleading communications to your teammates (e.g., “their base is empty", when there’s just a large group of enemy defenders). In games of capture the flag, grab your enemy’s flag, then aimlessly roam the field, being careful not to go anywhere near your team’s base. If someone tells you to return the flag to your base, ardently claim that you don’t have it, then run like hell.

Super Size your wankerness:

I forgot to add one more, and possibly, the BIGGEST step to becoming a true wanker. You must become a message board posting crybaby. In order to do this, first you must subscribe to all the message boards you can find. Make sure you check them hourly for any and all updates. Feel free to dispense with all your wisdom. (See above, #6). Take offense to everything, even if it has nothing to do with you. Make sure you use the name of your team and come up with a catchy slogan to put underneath it. Declare yourself an expert in everything and berate others for not knowing something. Make sure you talk enough smack that everyone will be gunning for you at the next game. Promptly make up some type of medical excuse as to why you won’t be able to play. (See #4)